Nasty musician tricks

How do you get a guitar player to play softer?
Give him a sheet of music. - courtesy of ahajokes.com

Ever had a pesky course-mate who's this over-enthusiastic-thinks-he-can-play-a-mean-guitar type of fella and seems to have all the right and cool ideas about the band's repertoire for the school dinner? Picture this: you're the designated musical director (or band leader... since this IS a non-professional outfit), an appointment based on the fact that you can play more than power chords, and that you have more gear than anyone else so that's shaving off some budget for the backline. Every position was accounted for, bar one, which is filled by a 'bidan terjun' or 'pak pacak' who seems to be a mister-know-it-all, where it comes to playing in a band (but of course YOU know better!). Your first rehearsal was frequently distrupted with outbursts of "salah tu... bukan macam tu..." and "kat kaset lain... dengar betul-betul... kau main tak sebijik..." from this particular individual.

When dealing with such 'abundance of enthusiasm' one must almost always retain his/her cool. Make no mistake, in a musical organization, a cool head does not necessarily prevail... but a cool head does help in conjuring up ways to deflate the unwanted 'hot air' off this balloon called Perasan Best. Here are some sure-shot ways to discourage him/her from playing with you again.

1. Confuse 'em - use technical jargons like "modulation" as opposed to "change key" or "kita main the ostinato tu until dal segno lepas tu masuk second coda, kita langkau the third reprise to go to the blues riff in F flat half-diminished descending arpeggio". You get the picture.
2. Play in a different key - do not tell him. The band's detuned a half step during the actual show.
3. Play a different arrangement - put in rhythmic attacks where there were none. Extend the intro and cut down the outro to an abrupt halt. Watch him 'solo' at the end...
4. Change the setlist... at the last minute - take off the song where the person has a solo spot.

On a final note (no pun intended!), of course, you need to run this by everyone in the band who share the same predicament. This public service has been brought to you by a music director who's had enough!

Trabye's take: Some of these events actually took place... seriously!